Life at Baseline: The Season of Dry Toast

Golden brown toast neatly arranged on a vibrant yellow plate set against a rich green background.

I had a conversation with my therapist yesterday morning, telling her that I felt like plain, dry toast. She was ecstatic, bouncing with joy, because it means the treatment plan is working. Now it’s time to explore other ways to bring hope and happiness back into the mix without being on the very high end of the spectrum.

Being bipolar, I am used to being a little out there after all, Grandma Aggie from Halloweentown always said that “Being normal is vastly overrated.” Those words have always rung true to me. Ironically, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II just this year. Now I know that the little extra sprinkle of spice wasn’t just me being a little out there, but a biochemical component to my personality. Now that I have a solid team to help support my mental health with therapy and medication management, things are a little easier to manage.

I’ve always been a little different, which means I tend to be inspired to try new things and hyper-focus at times. I’m told my hyper-focusing is a superpower in disguise, though others see it as a nuisance. I bounce from one project to the next, whether it’s soap making, painting, or writing. However, recently I’ve felt that spark disappear. No hyper-focusing, no creativity. I feel tired, uninspired, and like I have no creative drive. To my surprise, this is what normal feels like for others, or so my therapist says. So, as an artist, I tend to draw on those highs and lows to help me navigate my work and connect with it on an intimate level. But now? Not as much, hence the bland feeling.

I’ve seen artists who struggle with a mental illness destroy their lives and relationships to give life to their art, and it’s difficult to find the in-between. I don’t want this. I want to be successful, yes, but I don’t want to give in to the highs and the lows and sacrifice the life I have created for myself. Cliché, I know, but my goal is to rediscover that drive by exploring different avenues of creativity without dismantling all the work we have done to get me to baseline. The balancing act is difficult and often daunting. It’s so much easier to just give in to the highs and lows because that’s what I have grown accustomed to before being diagnosed. 

I hope the struggle to find the passion that once drove me is a journey, hopefully worth taking.

Wish this piece of dry toast luck!

—Destany